GOD and ME ..!!..

“God Loves Me,” the familiar tune which reassures children that God does love them no matter what color they are. Why? The Bhagvat-geeta tells me so. “The Hinduism life,” for so long, was something that took place only when I was thinking about God and reading the Bhagvat-geeta and praying. I did not follow God all the time, so did God still love me?  

I remember the day well. There was a disturbance of some sort in the house of which I had taken part. I am not sure whether I was the malefactor or was the beneficiary, probably a quarrel with my brother, but I do remember what happened thereafter. After my rebuke, I walked through the back door and proceeded to the garage. In those days, and even now, the garage was not meant for cars but for storage, so there were boxes upon boxes of stored junk. Upon entering, I moved a few boxes away, found a familiar hole where my brother and I used to go and hide, bellied myself on the dusty flour, and crawled about three and one half feet under stored chairs and one desk to my destination—a hidden spot in the far corner of garage. None would find me there! Immediately I began to cry. “No one loves me!” and “Everybody hates me!” were the phrases that I would say. Tears flowing, I would condemn the world for its hatred and console myself with the words I knew too well, “It’s okay. You can survive though no one understands you.” How hopeless words can console is a mystery—but truth switches places with lies when you’re deceived. 

The truth was that I grew up in a Hindu home and was extremely loved. My family showed no favoritism. My brother and I were treated equally and we loved each other. We had our brushes with each other’s bad side often, but brother do that. My parents, though imperfect, were anxious that we know truth. My mom taught Precept bhagvat geeta Studies, as did my dad, so I can remember early days of intense study of the geeta—an amazing foundation for a young kid.We went to temples that taught the geeta clearly. Life couldn’t get any better. However, despite the amazing situation I was in, I was still inferior. Nonetheless, throughout those years God’s love was translated from loving me when I’m serving him to also loving me when I’m not. Nevertheless, with such truth learned and so much more to know, I still felt so inadequate for God’s love; whenever I would sin—all the time—I would come down on myself like a load of bricks. “God must be disappointed in you! You know the truth yet you lie! You are a failure! Who could love you after that?” 

The Tide Turns 

 We were a formidable force which many had to be reckoned with.People feared us. There were many situations we walked into. Arun (false name)(my elder brother) and I became instant celebrities within the youth group, and after the “cool people” (Senior’s in High school) left, we were the top-dogs. I joined the youth group praise band and was eventually given charge over it. I was a part of the planning process for the Wednesday night events. Much was going my way. 

Nevertheless, with each higher power I gained in the temple, the easier I saw the problems both with the temple and myself. With each attempt to be such a witness, I would fail miserably while no one was looking. One Sunday evening I went to temple after having failed miserably. I saw the smiling faces looking my way and smiled back with all the face I could muster. “You’re a fake!” People would say, “How are you?” to which I’d say, “Great!” “You’re a liar!” The service rolled into the alter call and I did not go forward. “You don’t care!” If only the world could know that I am human. 

A few days later I went to visit with my english teacher at school to talk. The conversation that progressed changed the course of my life. She said, “Badal, during the alter call on Sunday evening, I prayed for you.” I was shocked! Someone other than my parents would pray for me? I asked why, and she began to explain to me how I for so long had been hostage to an inferior state of mind which affected every aspect of my life. I could not believe what I was hearing! I knew exactly what she was talking about. For so long, I thought that my bondage was a normal, when truly inferiority had darkened every part of my life. I discovered was that I was nowhere close to true person that God had called me to be because I had kneeled before at a stumbling block that I had erected years before. I was called to glorify and worship God in my life, yet all I could see was my sick sinfulness and not His glory. After that day I began to see God’s grace in a new way. I was not simply a “loved person;” I was truly “His Beloved!” God showed me this then; I can see it now! Though the course of letting His truth take control over my life has been an ongoing struggle, by His grace I will shine His glory through the good and bad times. By His grace that gives me identity and worth, I will sing His song of love and my understanding of it will be real!